It Is Always Blessings and Never Losses Sunday, Nov 11 2007

11^th of November 2007

It Is Always Blessings…Never Losses

I am sitting in this amazing house on an island for the start of my vacation and believe it or not, I’m watching television.  We never know when profound events will affect our lives, so be prepared when they do.  We need to recognize when they occur, so the true messages may be deciphered as well as how it will affect our lives.

Each and every person that comes in to our lives…regardless of the longevity will touch us in ways that they are supposed too.  Remember that statement the next time you meet a person who later becomes a friend, an interview that turns in to a job or even the person that touches you in a negative manner.  They come into our lives for a reason that they might not even realize, but I believe that the people surrounding us either teach us, we teach them or both sides teach and learn from each other.

This message I write today is more a message for myself as well as to share it with the world, because there are people in my life with whom I don’t feel I’m connected to any longer.  I have said recently that we don’t choose our family, but I was wrong in that statement.  We do choose each and every person that makes up who we call family.  They don’t have to be the people we grew up knowing as siblings or our parents.  They can be the ones you find along life’s journey, and who care about us as well as with whom you care for.  These people make up our family even if you don’t share their blood.  That doesn’t mean we don’t choose the families we joined as infants, because I agree after tonight, that we do choose our own families before we join them.

If joining that family means teaching them what they need to live, to love or just to learn; then our jobs are simple.  They may be here to teach you those very same life lessons, but no matter why we are with the people we call family; they are the ones we are supposed to be with.

I often forget that, and it is nice to hear the words as they come out of my head and onto the keyboard.  We might not be able to see the impact each person has on our lives until after they’re gone, but we must always remember this very important message:
it is always a blessing they entered our lives and it is never about the losses.

The next time someone does anything you don’t agree with, remember they are in your life for a reason, and it may be as simple as they are always a blessing and never the loss.

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

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Message to Phelps…just not from God Saturday, Nov 10 2007

Message to Phelps…just not from God

1^st of November 2007

Message to Phelps, but Not From God

$10.9 Million Dollar Message

 

Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka Kansas was given a very loud message yesterday, but will the Phelps Family and followers listen to a judgment that wasn’t handed down from GOD?

I was deeply saddened in March of 2006 when I read that the funeral of slain Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder had been picketed by the Phelps family with support of their church, Westboro Baptis Church. I moved rapidly from peaceful to rage within seconds at the seemingly repugnance I felt for how any one person could justify picketing with signs and bull horns at the funeral of any person. Then my rage boiled over because this wasn’t just any person, this was a decorated, slain United States Marine who was fighting for the freedoms that allowed these sycophants to disturb the tragic circumstances the Snyder family had to endure as they tried to find solace in the death of their family member.

I was elated to read yesterday’s news to see the awarded sum of more than 11.9 million dollars to be paid by the Phelps family and the Westboro Baptist Church. My first thought was it doesn’t change the fact that the Snyder’s lost their only son nor did it reduce the pain and suffering they endured on top of an already overwhelming time that no parent should ever have to undergo. I sat with a smile stretched across my face due to the good feelings about a judgment handed down by this jury without regret for the elation overwhelming me. Knowing how much I loath and hate judgments because they are rarely used for good, but rather mostly by those Christians to elevate themselves to a status level above all other sinners. I try to find the good in each and every person or circumstances. Even when I cannot understand someone for their starch opposition to any situation, I can normally find respect for the manner in which they justify their convictions.

This morning my heart was darkened by the fact that I could neither agree with their stance nor could I find respect for what they do or how they go about it. I strive daily to understand that which I don’t know by asking myself if Jesus were here, how would this man have answered Mr. Phelps. If Jesus were here how would he show me to find the love in my heart for a man and a family that rages against humanity for the simple sake of an angry outburst? My position started to bother me more than the situation itself and I could not resolve myself to the position of judging even this horrible man for his actions. I pride myself in looking for both sides of every situation. I can find most motivational factors for most people and in the case of the Phelps’ family, I still think the reason Mr. Fred Phelps is so insistent on anti-gay everything is that he is either a huge closeted homosexual that was incensed in his early years at the thoughts he probably had favoring another young man. It could have been that he secretly wants the largest bull dyke with a huge strap-on dick to fuck him and hard. It has to be the fist because I don’t know any lesbian that would get close enough to Mr. Phelps’ ass in order to even stick a titanic sized dildo within his enlarging prostrate…they have too much integrity to do something like that.

Seriously, my conundrum greatly disturbed me as I ate my breakfast this morning deeper in though than usual and it finally came to me! Todd, you are only human and Jesus was divinely guided, I am only guided by my beliefs and the heart beating within my chest and the soul encompassed by this physical form. I am able to be human and allow feelings that are not always of a higher order. I don’t always have to find the good in absolutely everyone. Just to let you, my readers know, I am also not so deluded that I don’t realize there are just bad people in this world and with whom doing bad things just for the sake of doing horrible acts against as many people as they can. I know this to be true, but even in those cases, a person can usually find a path that led them to where they are, rarely does a person get up one morning and decide they are going to picket the funeral of a grieving family for a decorated war hero. Crimes of hate are committed with far more planning and thought as apposed to being spontaneous.

Knowing this does not grant me any solace in the enjoyment I felt at the possible dissolution of a cult-like group calling themselves a church. Society as a whole must continue to search our hearts because Fred Phelps did not wake up one summer day in 1947 and decide he was going to be a man who would rid North America of all of its undesirables. The hate he feels was thought to him and he has continue cultivating his heritage of hate towards all who they deem are inferior.

Be brave enough to make up your own mind when listening to your local clergy, politician, family or friend who is espousing something that deep within your own heart you know to be wrong. We are better when we Love, Honor & Respect all of those who share the same air we breath, drink the same water we drink and the blood running within their veins gushes from their fragile body just as yours does when either is cut. Humanity is better without the Fred Phelps of the world and we have the power to silence the only voice he has.

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

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Par Tuesday, Nov 6 2007

5^th of November 2007,

Part II: Interesting Events Happened Today

I can’t believe how much the events of yesterday have bothered me. I had a busy day in the office; yet my mind was pre-occupied with the details of yesterday. It has been like a nagging fly that won’t leave me alone and even though I forced myself to focus on my work and the projects underway, this has been in the back of my head and worrisome. I was so packed with apprehension that would not alleviate that it was changing from light apprehension to extreme alarm with why this continued to bother me. When out of sheer exasperation, I finally cleared my mind it actually came to me as to why this has been such an over-burdening issue.

The construct of it is when the Sheppard boy cried wolf; that is what happened yesterday. I reacted out of instinct when the lady screamed and I witnessed the man running away with her purse. My response is not common; in fact, I was the only one who took off after him. Not one other person took those steps and that can have more to do with the facts that countless times the Good Samaritan becomes the victim today. I know it has stopped me from stopping to help someone that is on the side of the road at night. I instinctively did what was right to do under the circumstances, but my conscience won’t let it go because she was not in danger nor did she loose anything that belonged to her. The perception that called on me to respond not knowing if the man had a knife or a gun or if by tackling him would land me in a lawsuit because he might have been harmed at my reaction. None of these were thoughts as I responded to what we have been conditioned as a cry for help and in some small way, the need for protection. As it turned out, the woman in this matter was just acting and was in no danger at all. Because there was no danger, the risk I took had there not been a van for our villain to dive in to was far greater because had I actually tackled him, I would have been violating his rights as he never would have violated hers. The dilemma sharpened because while most people were not aware of what was going to happen, they were aware that something was to occur and they were to just watch and observe taking as many mental notes as possible. My only criticism is that doesn’t that remove the element of surprise and diminishes the entire focus for the show itself.

Once I acknowledged the preoccupation of my senses with the experience at the cafe, I felt better about the circumstances. I can’t change the events and I can’t prevent a company from researching human behavior, but I can take ownership of me. I can only hope the next situation I am faced with that calls for swiftness my hesitation is not what cost someone dearly and that was the honest cost of yesterday’s research and quest for ratings.

The next time a company wants to research the collective capabilities of the human mind, I suggest they use any other form for stimuli as apposed to placing someone within harms way for the sole fact to garner ratings for television…human life is worth so much more than ratings.

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

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Interesting Events Happened Today Monday, Nov 5 2007

Interesting Events Happened Today

4^th of November 2007

 

Interesting Events Happened Today

As if my weekend hasn’t been one of the most interesting that I’ve had in the past seven years, I am perplexed with the events of today and why I feel so odd about them.

Today was such a beautiful day with temperatures in the mid seventies (Fahrenheit, about seventeen to eighteen degrees Celsius) with a clean sunny clear blue sky and a light breeze keeping just that chill in the air to remind us that winter finally is arriving. I was awaken by my puppy around 8:30 AM as usual for every Sunday morning and I got up rejoicing in the silence by completing a blog about the horrible Phelps family and the Westboro Baptist Church. I look up from my computer screens to see I am already late to meet some friend’s downtown to watch a double header softball game where one friend is playing and several others are rooted the team on.

I got to the field very late, but watched the remainder of the game and dispensing my farewells to my friends as I walked around the sparsely populated park. The day was such a beautiful day and the walk was relaxing as my mind wondered over the news that a publishing house wants to publish my book. It was so peaceful as I was refusing to make my way back home for fear that reality might step back in to my life and change the past few days events, so I continued walking the park taking in the sculpted bodies of the running men by thinking what a glorious weekend this has been.

I sat in the park relaxing and having a wonderful time when a friend – David walked up and greeted me with a smile. We walked around the park and changed our direction towards the book store to meet his friend Dwayne and they were going to get a byte to eat. I tagged along, not really hungry, but not wanting to leave their good company, so we walked down to two café’s just on the edge of the park so that we could enjoy a panini sandwich.

I flirted with the waiter who sat us outside in the glorious sun inside a fenced-in outdoor seating area. There was no rush to the day or to our order as everyone was enjoying themselves and the people flowing in and out of the two outdoor sitting areas were all chatting with friends and family. If you haven’t already realized from my many blogs, I notice absolutely everything and especially every good looking guy. As we were finishing our food chatting about many things and yet nothing important at all, I watched as a very handsome man casually walked up towards the fenced in area, but staying on the other side.

I was sitting back in my chair as I noticed him as he appeared to be waiting for someone with his stunning features almost like a Nordic to German type man pacing about. He stood around 5′9″ to maybe 5′10″ tall with a slender build; maybe 145 to 155 pounds. He wore dark jean with a light top and a ski-type hat on his head. He had longer hair that was sandy-blond with sun high-lights on the ends of his hair that stuck outside his hat around the bottom-back side and just above his eyes. His eyes were medium sunken in and were a color more like blue to a lighter color, but I couldn’t really see them clearly enough as he continued pacing and moving about. He was positioned in the area a good five minutes and as I watched him I noticed just how agitated he seemed, but it was a controlled restlessness.

We were talking and instantly I hear the lady closest to the fence scream as peripherally I see the pacing guy take off running with a dark colored purse within his grasp. It seemed to happen slowly at this point because I had my knife between my fingers and I dropped it slid my chair back and spun around the corner to my right, side-stepping the dog that laid at the entrance of the fenced-in area and I started running at great hast to stop the purse snatcher. There was a large van parked in the very end spot that blocked my vision as I turned that corner, but as I sprinted to the end of the parking lot I was scanning across the street and up the street for my handsome thief when I see an Atlanta Police officer walking towards me from up the street by a few paces. As the officer approached me I started to break my stride because I couldn’t find the purse snatcher when I heard the man tell me “it’s OK…don’t worry…this was all staged”. I turned in an instant more out of instinct still looking for my adorable thief when I see him inside the van laughing as another Atlanta Police officer closes the door to the van.

What was just told to me starts to sink in as the other officer is chuckling a little and it suddenly hits me what a fool I’ve been. I walk back to my friends as I see a camera man and several people walking amongst the guest inside the eating areas asking people if they witnessed anything and asking for details of what they witnessed. My feeling was one that perplexed me as much as anything I’ve experienced lately and I don’t understand why I feel so bad about what these circumstances. I didn’t enter inside the fenced-in area or sit back down at my table, I just stood several feet away outside the fence watching a lady walk directly out of the doors of the café and over to the table where I had been sitting. I heard her ask David and Dwayne if they witnessed anything and ask them to complete an agreement allowing them to be interviewed. She was searching for me as I took another step back away from them to remove myself from her focus. She is looking for me when she turns around and directly engages me asking me to sign a release form and I calmly decline. She insist and I tell her that it would not behoove me to either be interviewed or cause them any trouble, but that I will not participate in this charade any further.

The lady gave me a very quizzical look and seemed to be offended by my comments to her when she abruptly turned and continued interviewing David and Dwayne. I took two steps backwards towards a tree as the police officer who told me it was OK was standing a few steps away from me. He ask quietly as he stepped towards me if I was an off-duty officer or militarily trained and I never even looked at him as I responded No, just a concerned citizen as I continued to watch my friends having their pictures taken and more questions asked of them. The officer paused for a moment when he said, the guy didn’t stand a chance against me and I looked at him as he tilted his head to me and walked away.

I felt proud if only for an instant, but curiously enough the feeling faded quickly as again I felt almost betrayed for some reason and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. I understand all too clearly what the interviewers were after because I’ve written about it both in the preface to my book and in two blogs. They want to recode who witnessed what and show how everybody will have a completely different recollection to the events that transpired. As I’ve written in the past, it has to do with us being humans and each one of us being different. We have different life forces and different events that shaped who we are. Because of our experiences and our past, we collect facts differently than the person next to us. Complicating matters even more, we use different parts of our brains and that comes back to who has what talents. Some of us use our left brain while others use our right brains. No matter, it makes for a difference in how we store current events and how we recall those same set of events.

I appreciate what they’re doing; however, it still has not made me feel better about the events as they happened. I can’t explain why I felt so let down because I don’t really understand it myself. I had hoped my feelings would pass because neither they nor I did anything to warrant shame. So why do I feel as I do? Why can’t I just let it pass for what it was a testament to our humanity and that which makes us different. I understand it completely and yet, I still feel somehow I was duped in some way.

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

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The Most Amazing News for ME!!! Saturday, Nov 3 2007

3^rd of November 2007

 

Hello My Readers,

Many of you read my blogs and have commented directly on this site and other sites about the experiences of my life that I’ve written about. The support you provided me has spurred me to press forward with something that was once laughable and then turned in to a possible dream.

As many of you know seven years ago I left Montreal and left the love of my life…my soul mate. Ian aloud our relationship to wither and die for some inexplicable reason while I was helpless to save its ravaged form. It takes two to share love but only one for a relationship to survive and Ian gave up on himself and on us. I struggled for more than eighteen months feeling each and every day like I was submerged beneath the surface of water drowning. Unable to catch my breath and with no way to salvage our relationship I continued descending to the murky depths or darkness and depression.

It took me four years to overcome the thoughts of Ian or wish him next to me and one of the ways I accomplished that amazing feet on my own was to start writing about him. I wrote about my anger and the eighty-six thousand dollars he owes me. I wrote about how I missed touching is beautiful skin and sculpted features. I was tortured by his lingering French accent and the eyes that once made me feel safe, warm and loved. I wrote of how we met and how for the first time in my life I understood how amazing love should always be. I also wrote in great details with the descriptions of a blind painter how we met, how we fell in love and how we ignited passion with fires of lust and the most amazing sex two people could ever share.

I wrote all of my feelings in to this manuscript without any order or conscience decision to organize my thoughts. Without ever thinking of what I was doing, I wrote this wondrous manuscript that many friends have read and prompted me to publish. You must understand that it was writing this book and the first women who read this book and pressed me to publish it. Dale’s voice in my head gave birth to me thinking that my writing may be helpful to some people and was the precipitous to my blogging. I never was able to write before this experience. My book (Love, Honor & Respect) is really good and extremely descriptive and brings you into our world as if you are walking with us each step of the way. I still can’t read it without correcting this or that. I can’t open those pages without getting excited when I read of our first sexual encounters or cry every page when he rips my heart out with dishonesty and the loss of such great love.

I received a phone call yesterday with the most amazing news that I have wanted so dearly for so long; my manuscript is being published. My dreams of publishing that book that holds so many personal details about my life, my love and the darkest moments of my life is going to be for sale in a matter of months. I am elated beyond all belief. I know one thing that I want to do and that is to Thank You. Thank each and every one of you for your support of my writing and to thank you for telling me how my experiences have helped you. I love that I hear from so many people how the events from my life can help any one person. The love that so many of you have shown has pushed me to want to publish this book. I am dearly grateful and I hope that once my first book is published that each of you enjoy the parts of my life within its pages.

Deeply grateful,

Todd M. Dobson

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Response to Mr. Jupiter King’s Blog: What the Word of God Says About Homosexuality Friday, Nov 2 2007

29^th October 2007

 

 

Response to Jupiter King’s Blog:

What the Word of God Says About Homosexuality

 

I read Mr. Jupiter’s blog and respectfully responded to him. My comments were shown on his blog, but he later removed my comments. I can only surmise why but he replaced my words with two comments of his own that were both written in great hast and as you read them with anger. Please read Mr. Jupiter’s Blog and both of my comments to him are as follows:

http://www.socyberty.com/Gay-&-Lesbians/What-the-Word-of-God-Says-About-Homosexuality.54341#comments

 

Hello Jupiter,

I love a good exchange between multiple intellectual minds, so I hope yours is open to understanding some thing you have not accounted for in your blog. While your opinion is not uncommon in people, most have had little exposure to the subject at hand or little research in to the matter.

I hope I am able to shed some light onto the subject matter for you. The portion of the bible you reference (Old & New Testament) details many things, yet at no time does the bible overtly oppose homosexuality. I can take you to each verse in the bible that is claimed to speak negatively about homosexuality and explain how each and every one has been taken out of context or misconstrued to reference a slanted point of view; you might want to know that many noted theologians (gay and straight) agree with my comments that the bible itself does not speak disparagingly against homosexuality. You might also find it amusing that many of the very passages you highlight in your bible as denouncing homosexuality were also used by religious leaders against blacks and against women. There is nothing uniquely talented about taking a small number of words and turning them to be used as a club against a group one wishes to suppress, fanatical Christians and Muslims have been doing it for centuries and the talent is only in finding weaker minded people who do not wish to think for themselves and decide if what they are told is accurate or not.

As for what you’re gay friends may say, I can’t answer for them; but I can ask, when did you acknowledge that you chose to be heterosexual? It is an important question because all of my friends and family that are straight say they can never recall a day or time when they actually made that as a choice. Likewise, I can’t tell you when I made my choice to be gay. I can tell you when I accepted that which made me different from everyone else, but there was never a day I chose to be gay. If it is a choice as you explain, why would I choose to be different from everyone I love and who loves me. Why would I choose to go against how I was raised? Why would I choose to defy the way society taught me was normal? Why would I choose a life that segregates me and where I don’t have even the same basic rights and privileges as all other people do? Why would I choose to be so different from all other people around me? Why if I chose to be gay would I want to remain this way if as so many straight people claim, most homosexuals are unhappy being gay?

Most unhappy gay people are that way because they are not accepted or understood by their straight counterparts. Narrow-minded people would rather spread hate because it is what everyone was lead to believe as normal, instead of honoring the diversity of humanity, instead of loving all people for who they are and not what you think I need to be, and instead of respecting our differences because they are OK. Back to your assertions that it is a choice of living a moral life or an immoral one…who is closer to GOD – the man who Loves, Honors & Respects his fellow human beings and strives to make their lives better, no matter what differences are present; or the man who holds up a holy book and claims superiority over anyone for any reason and can find words in that book to argue his point. Think about your answer, because it was Jesus who said the followers would be the last to enter the Kingdom of Heaven!

Think about your response and I can be reached at Todd@fdlservices.com

Thank you for this exchange of words and I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

 

 

 

Now I found my comments to be respectful while asking for some understanding in his beliefs. It is hard to change the position one has claimed their entire life is the right position, even in the face of proven facts that might show otherwise. Some people are unable to admit they themselves could be wrong and others actually hold on to that small part of them that garners piety based on suppressing someone as beneath themselves.

 

I am not saying that Mr. Jupiter fits any of these categories; however, I found it remarkable that Mr. Jupiter removed my comments and replaced them with those of his view point only. I have other blogs that have comments from people who challenge my stance and challenge my faith. I find them rewarding and thought provoking and I read them earnestly hoping that if I missed something in my thought process before I might learn something now. We can learn from everybody, we just have to open our minds to the process.

 

 

Please make sure to read both of Mr. Jupiter’s comments and here is my response that I posted to his blog, however Mr. Jupiter is refusing to publish it. That too might make you think, what he has to hide that he is unable to hear an apposing point of view and not receive it well. That does not mean he agrees with it, just that its presences does not challenge his own.

 

 

Hello Jupiter,

 

I love how when critical thought is demanded, the common mind ignites anger as its first line of defense instead of calm, rational review of apposing thoughts.

 

So let us talk about the Bible – New Testament and your many passages that you listed in your comment. You listed them in a secondary response only after removing my acknowledgment that they do exist, but caught my attention in a vociferate manner was that the words you typed were more out of anger and vengeance then out of understanding or acceptance. It is an assumed knowledge and not a factual one. So Mr. Jupiter you have answered my first question in my first comment, which states that I like a good exchange of minds. I am gay and I could get angry with you’re original blog, but I respect your opinion and always like people to discuss why they hold an opinion that differs from my own. I had hoped at some point in our conversations you may either teach me something I did not know and thereby sway my position to your view, or perhaps I may be able to do so with you. Based on your responses filled of spite (the words you select and the manner they are placed within the text), it tells me that a polite exchange of view points is not going to occur between us. I can accept that honorably and if you wish to carry our discussion further, please feel free to email me (todd@fdlservices.com), I will respectfully respond as I always do.

 

Let us discuss the New Testament as you reference it in your blog and comments. The New Testament was dedicated to the Life of Jesus Christ as witnessed by his closest Apostles. Matthew, being one of the Apostles and being closer to the Son of God than others might have been during Jesus’ life; we really can’t know because we were not there. As with every witness’s view of any set of events, that person sees, hears, touches, taste and feels different from each and every person who witnessed the same events at the same time. What I am speaking about derives from their life experiences, their set of beliefs and their perspectives on any subject that might bend those events in one direction or another. Because no two people are alike, is why no two personal views or recollections of events will ever be the same. It is precisely why a police officer asking witnesses to an accident for their recount of the events they witnessed will never be exactly the same. That is why Matthew gives us one view of each part of Christ’s events and those same events are recounted differently by the other Apostles.

 

So what about the many other Apostles who wrote and submitted their accounts of Jesus’ Life and their texts were denied entry in to the Bible by the Council of Nicea? What became of their accounts of this man’s life? Did they lie or fabricate what they witnessed or perhaps did a governing body pick and choose what of Jesus’ life they wanted to have listed as reference able material?

 

And what are we to believe of Matthew himself? This was the first voice to question the actions of Jesus based on everybody’s account. Each and every time he questioned the Load, Jesus showed him that his way was through LOVE and ACCEPTANCE, not JUDGMENT. Jesus said this and showed this in every event that was recounted and by everyone who wrote of this man’s life, so why do we start to question what the New Testament was all about?

To complicate matters even more, if Jesus Christ was against homosexuality, as you might want everyone to believe, please explain to me why he saved the life of a young slave boy of the Centurion. As recounted in Matthew 8:5-13 and Luke 7:1-10 Jesus healed the Centurion’s Servant boy even knowing that the Centurion first offered his life in order for Jesus to save the boy claiming the boy was his own. He then acknowledged to Christ our Load, the boy was his beloved servant and in the times that absolutely meant sexual companion. So, please explain to me why if Jesus was so against homosexuality would he save the life of a sexual servant to a high-ranking Greek Soldier?

 

In the New Testament as you originally reference speaks mostly of the times social disapproval and the Jewish feeling that that homosexuality was unclean. These are common beliefs that do not amount to facts, but opinions just like your own. There was nothing more and absolutely nothing less to it. I can site chapter and verse of every instance the bible says anything that has been turned (by man of today) and used to show how homosexuality is wrong: Leviticus, Romans, 1 Corinthians, 1 Timothy and some you might not know about. Each and every one of them has been discounted by theologians from around the world. These are men and women who have spent life times researching the bible, Jesus and GOD, so if they say that there is nothing in the bible that directly says homosexuality is wrong after spending their lives to know all that can be known outside of being present during the times, why can’t someone like you read the greatest book in our lives and use it for what it was meant to be; a reference guide by which to strive to live your life.

 

It is only a book, written by men, edited by men, translated by men and organized by men. The first thing GOD told us was that men are fallible, so why are we to assume the men who wrote the words in this great book were not, when Jesus himself said He Was A Fallible MAN?

 

Again I offer my words as just one argument that might be right and might be wrong. I would rather respect you for your view point and think to myself that it might be right and be able to wait until my judgment day to find out; but I have yet to judge you for your view point as you have done me for mine. Again I would ask you, who do you think is closer to GOD?

I hope my words find you happy, healthy and filled with LOVE.

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

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Is It The Journey or The Destination Thursday, Nov 1 2007

28^th of October 2007

 

Is It The Journey or the Destination?

If you have read any of my previous blogs, you know that I have been through many life challenges and yet my mind set has always been that I am truly blessed. Yes, I believe that I have guardian’s who watch over me and based on their guidance I am very blessed.

That may sound odd as you read about my many challenges, but it is my firm belief none the less. Over the past four weeks my mind has been in over-load and it has been difficult to turn down the background noise as it spins out of control. You see I’ve written about taking two long years to find a good job and after one year with the employer from hell, I found that job doing what I like to do with people I really enjoy working with. So, how can I have anxiety over my new job?

As I’ve written in the past, when you grow up in an abusive environment where the common words are not positive, but rather tears you apart as an individual. I said that correctly, the voice I heard daily said I wasn’t shit and would never amount to anything. I was dumb, I was stupid and I was nothing but a lazy, good for nothing piece of shit. I cold never do anything right and as long as I was not my older brother; I would never amount to anything.

I still hear those voices when ever anything starts to go in a positive direction for me, and those voices become pronounced as I step towards a positive direction. It never fails to surprise me when I first don’t understand the anxiety I feel or when the voices chatter out of control and I become agitated and bothered by their loud, uncontrollable noise filling my head. By the age of forty years old, you might think the rise in these voices might trigger a happy pleasure sensation because it should be a sign for me that I am in the midst of something really good. Unfortunately, it takes a little separation from ones self to make that conclusion and until that happens, the anxiety can run a person ragged.

The anxieties I suffer are common for adults of abused children, but they never become less difficult to deal with as time passes. Over the past four weeks, I’ve climbed deeper into my new position and I’ve grown to love the people and the job; but as I’ve excelled in my position, the voices have become uncontrollable. I started doubting myself in that very position and doubting the people who have done nothing but show their support. Second guessing the job I’m doing and their reaction to my work. Not one person has indicated anything negative with my performance and all the while I have made mistakes, none seem to cause anything close to the level of noise rampantly chattering inside my head.

It took me getting sick last week with a nasty sinus infection that caused an existing tooth infection to go overboard shutting me down for a couple of days in order for me to regain control over my anxieties. It took me thinking I was about to be fired at that same job that I love with people that have never once indicated anything but support, while in my head over the past four weeks, I’ve been seeing and hearing how I was going to be fired at any moment and for any reason. They were just waiting for the right moment was all I kept telling myself. Anxieties such as these can and often do become self fulfilling prophecies and that just feeds the fires for the next time they become uncontrollable.

As I stayed at home last night waxing philosophical and pondering life’s challenges did a life long challenge became an answer I could firmly believe in…it isn’t the destination, but rather it is the journey that makes us better people. My entire life I have always gone out of my way to become a better person. Better than my childhood indicated, and far better than anyone ever gave me credit to accomplish. I have tried with every year of my life to always remember what I had was truly a blessing and millions would kill to swap places with me. For every breath I take I feel honored that I have it to take and never ever take any of my life for granted. So it is harsh when those voices push me in the opposite direction and I allow them too because for that day, that moment I am weaker than I should be.

That is what unfolded for me this past week and how the realization that my destination, here in Atlanta Georgia is only where I need to be right now and everything is telling me that daily. That destination currently holds the right job with support by good people challenging me to grow and learn and sharpen my skills for them and for me. Over the past few years I have fought many demons and come to terms with so much to reclaim the person I once was. But what I’ve found isn’t the person I once was, it is someone who is better than I could have ever been.

That is how I found that the journey I’ve been on for the past seven years, which I once thought took a good life away and replaced it with one mistake after another. I suddenly realized how I ever created that first life to begin with: it was forged by mistake after mistake; challenge after challenge until I found what worked…that was my first journey. Now I am in the midst of a journey that has depths I could never have imagined, but I finally see the heights are outside the scope of my view and that is amazingly wonderful. Yes my mistakes have been many and very troublesome, but that is what makes the journey…not the destination as profound and meaningful. My place is right here in Atlanta Georgia and the time is right now. My journey is underway with no destination in front of me. I am controlling those voices for the second time in my life and good things are happening to me once again.

I am right here in the moment and enjoying now. I’m not wallowing in the past and I know my future is going to be OK no matter what happens. It is all about the journey we are on and it has nothing to do with the destination.

by: Todd M. Dobson

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