14th February 2008

 

Straight Talk about SEX: What Women Need

 

In both the Q&A Series and in my own daily life, I have encountered a number of conversations lately about sex. Some of these conversations are with heterosexual women and some have been with homosexual men. I will address each separately. Another common thread arose in my conversations was how the women expressed an interest in me telling their husbands, boyfriends or spouses what I was conveying to them. I just shook my head in disbelief, because I’m not the one that needs to tell a spouse anything about how to please them sexually…they do!

So I am starting a new series of blogs that will take your questions (and if you don’t want to be recognized, you may tell me to make your post anonymously – blog@tmdobson.com), but I want to dispel the myths and open a dialog where people can feel free to discuss sex openly.

I realize that for the Christians who read my blogs (which within itself blows my mind), I know you feel sex between you and your spouse should be a hidden and never discussed. But let me remove that uptight clinching of your ass cheeks right off the bat; if you can’t have an open conversation with your spouse or loved one about anything…and I mean everything, then you’re with the wrong person. Open communications is the key to a truly loving and long lasting relationship. If you can’t talk with your loved one about the sex you have, or the sex you want to be having, then who in the hell are you suppose to talk with about sex?

A truly loving, caring relationship must have a good and healthy sex life. Sex is not the cornerstone of any relationship, but it is a portion of the relationship and if you can’t talk with your spouse about any aspect of your life together, then you are dooming your relationship from the beginning. If you are too timid and you can’t have those discussions then expect to live your entire life with mediocre sex to go along with your partial existence. If you feel shockingly odd discussing sex just anywhere, tell your spouse that when the two of you enter a specific room (the master bedroom or a spare bedroom) that both of you must agree, but when the door closes to that room, what happens in that room or is discussed inside that room will always stay behind the closed door to that room. If you can both agree on those parameters, you have just found the place where the freak can be released. Then you can talk openly and honestly about what you need from your spouse and likewise what they need from you.

The first point that everybody must understand is that there is nothing wrong with discussing sex with your spouse. Open your mouth and tell them what you want them to know…and women, this is more for you (it is also for the guys), but ladies will keep their mouths closed when it comes to expressing how to pleased them sexually and they fake far too many orgasms. Men – if you really want a hyper active sex life with you’re woman…please her and give her a healthy sex life and my gosh she will do things to you that you could only image being done. And she will do them freely and eagerly in order to please you because you took the time to please her.

Now – for the ladies…stop faking your orgasms and start taking responsibility for them. Yes – I said that right! Don’t’ fake another orgasm and the next time he is working on you and gets off; take the time to show him what it means to pleasure you in return. What I mean by that is simple…tell your man what you want him to do! Yes, tell him and show him how you want it done!

I didn’t stutter and I said that correctly. The next time you have sex with your man and he grabs hold of your breast like they are the handle bars on a motorcycle, don’t yell at him or fuss with him; but take his hands while telling him – ‘”No Hun, here let me show you how it feels good to me” while you take his hands in yours and show him how to hold your breast rubbing them so that it pleasures and arouses you. Vocalize how much pressure he can use and when it’s too much. Sex should be pleasure for both of you and when he acts like too much of a masculine man, show him gently what makes you feel good. If you don’t tell him or show him, how the hell do you expect him to know?

Take his hands and rub your breast and show him how to make them feel nice and massaged and how to excite you using his hands, his lips, and his tongue while you tell him what feels good as well as what doesn’t. Let him know how good what he’s doing makes you feel. Positive reinforcement will go along way to bring a good time to you while not stripping him of his masculinity. Most men (especially young men) want to please their woman, but just simply don’t know how.

There are many different erogenous zones on women that are very different from those on a man. Young men only know what excites them and they have no clue that women don’t view sex or get aroused the same way that they do. Men are visual and women are not as visual. Men can watch women and get excited, while women need more physical and mental stimuli to turn them on. So women, it is your job to show them how to turn you on. Use your hands, fingers lips and more to show them how to rock your world. For the men who are reading this post, the more common erogenous zones on women are as follow (please keep in mind that every woman is different and these will vary, however try these areas and watch to see which ones excite her):

  1. Ears: when I tell you her ears are sensitive and can excite her that does not mean take your big, wet tongue and shove it deep inside her ear. You don’t look like a dog and that is all she will think of you as if a dog just forced its tongue in her ear and it was not sexy or arousing, it was wet and horrible. The ears, like the toes and fingers are where a large number of nerves end. Any place on the body where nerves end is extremely sensitive. Because they are sensitive, you must be gentle and use just the tip of your tongue to run on the outer edge of her ear. Nuzzle up to her ears and maybe lightly nibble will arouse her or just go a long way to tell her she was missed while you were at work. Take your finger and rub gently the outer edge of her ear as you finger traces down the back of her ear down her neck. A soft, tender trace of her ear that continues down and around the line of her neck or in a more sensual setting run your finger from the ear down to the nape of her neck and if the setting is absolutely right, continued down to outline her breast and gently around one breast or the other. To a woman, a finger can deliver such great pleasure. Something as simple as your index finger with the lightest touch and a gentle drag on her skin will do more to her then most men could ever know.

  2. Lips: there can be no better way to show her how much you love her than with a kiss. She will know that you want her or desire her by how you kiss her. When I say kiss her I don’t mean a peck on the cheek or on the lips. A peck is what you do to mom or Aunt Sally…not the woman you love. That also doesn’t mean push your lips against her hard and fast and just leave them there. Straight men have some of the worst kissing capabilities that I’ve ever seen, but one of the absolute worst things you can do is when your lips are against hers to suddenly start shoving your tongue in and out of her mouth like a jackhammer. A tongue can be an amazing instrument to arouse her and even bring her to the point of total arousal, but never should it be used on either set of lips like a jackhammer. Kissing is sensual and tells her so much about how you feel towards her. Use your lips in a variety of ways, but quick should almost never be the manner you display your affection for her. You should be gentle some times, while other times you can press your lips against her with more force and yet other times be more playful, like teasing her by not completely touching her lips with yours or sticking out your tongue and outlining her lips with your tongue and then slowly bring your lips against hers and into a longing, lingering yet passionate kiss. I don’t care how old she is, a little playfulness will go a long way in telling her how sexy you find her.

  3. Neck: the neck has many different places that will please and arouse her. As you are kissing her lips, stick your tongue out and gently run your tongue around the outline of her lips and down to the nape of her neck and use just a little suction (be careful to not leave a mark). Another way to please her is to rub her shoulders after a long day or if you see her rubbing her shoulders or the temples of her head and during the massage, lightly kiss the back of her neck as you continue to rub. If she shows signs of enjoyment as apposed to relaxation, lick or kiss her neck again. If she seems to be responding in a more sensually manner, then you can try running your tongue around the edge of her ear and then down the back of her ear and down her neck. This is typically a highly arousing place for most women due the large number of nerves that make it more sensitive. As you know your partner more, try a gentle kiss mixed with a very light bite and the contrast can be extremely alluring.

  4. Back: most men completely forget about a woman’s back and there is so many things you can do to her, that should begin with her back that will please her, seduce her and arouse her. The back requires some finesse, but you can use more pressure at times, while keeping in mind what I said earlier, there is nothing more sensual then a delicate, light finger. To lightly run your finger down her back and back up several times will generally add a nice touch to start her engines running. Now replace your finger with your tongue and spend a little more time in the small of her back and right at the beginning part of where her back and hips come together with the crack of her bum. Mix up massaging with an ice cube that you run gently down her back or even place it in your mouth and rub your lips down her back with the ice cube inside. Massage the small of her back and down to her buttock or lightly run your finger or a feather down her back continuing over her bum.

  5. Butt: as you massage her back keep going down her butt. Change from the pressure of massaging her back to a gentler long stroke that goes down either side of her butt. Change after a few minutes by closing your fist and while using a light twist as you push and release time and time again down her bum. When you twist add a little more pressure (not too much). Keep in mind as you massage the back and butt to mix the strokes with kisses and every once in a great while a light bite especially on the butt will tease her pleasurably. The contrast will arouse as well as please her and every once in a while just lightly blow in the same area you just massaged. If you have rough hands, use some lotion that will soften your hands as you use them to stir her, but don’t just pour lotion directly on her back, pour it into your hands and rub your hands together to warm it before touching her.

  6. Legs: as you massage her butt, move down to her legs. Long strokes with just a hint more pressure, but keep in mind this is a lady and not one of the guys at the gym. As your hands and fingers rub the back of her legs, slide them to her inner thighs, which is a great arousal zone and will send shivers down her spine, so keep it going by using your tongue behind your fingers down to the back of her knees. Extremely sensitive and she may spasm or jerk if she is not use to you touching her behind her knees, but use your tongue and on the inner thighs and the back of the legs use a light bite and rub your fingers around in the back of her knees.

  7. Feet: As you massage down her calves spending a little time massaging her calves, especially if she wears heels. The more time she spends in heels, the stronger her calves will be and the more attention will feel good to her as you take long strokes up and down her calves. Make your way down to her feet. Some men will say “NO”, feet are disgusting. Every nerve ending in the entire body runs down to the feet. It is one of the most relaxing places in the entire body for both men and women, but women seem to receive excitement from their feet when rubbed with a little pressure. Use long even strokes from just before the heel up the feet towards the toes. Use a circular motion around the heel and if you really want to send her sexually into orbit, use your tongue on the base of her feet and suck her toes. If she is not in the mood before you do this, she will jump you after you lick her feet and toes and then suck them and after sucking her toes use a light blow and air. Any time you spend on her feet, she will spend that on your cock plus more. So you want her to blow you and do a good job with it, suck her toes and she will suck you dry!

  8. Hands: like the feet, the hands are very sensitive. As with the feet, use long even strokes when rubbing her hands and use a little pressure. Pull her fingers without pulling them off, but pull them sliding your fingers down her one finger to the very tip of her nail. If you wish to send her over the edge, after massaging and rubbing her hands and finger, lightly kiss her palm and lick your way to her finger(s). Take her finger between your lips and press your lips tightly around her finger and swirl your tongue around it as you slowly pull her finger out from your lips, but don’t release any pressure until her finger is completely out of your mouth.

If you touch even a couple of these erogenous zones on her with the proper use of foreplay before hand, you will have her moist and begging for sex before you ever touch her sexually. If you do any of this before attempting anything sexually, she will please use and do anything you ask her too.

Ladies, when it comes to your pleasure, guide your man to discover what feels good to you. Don’t be afraid to tell him what pressure feels good and guide his hands, his fingers, his lips and his tongue to the spots that arouse you more. The more you tell him the better he will be at arousing you and bringing you to the point of pleasure time and time again.

Guys, if you think pleasuring her has no return for you – think again. Most women have never been sexually pleased, so even the attempts of doing so will garner you more satisfaction from her then you could ever imagine. Ask her to tell you when you do something that feels good to her. Ask her to show you by taking your hands, tell you where to use your lips and tongue and when it’s alright to use a little teeth. Every woman is different and the most important thing to remember is that she is not a guy and therefore you can’t expect her to be aroused the same way you are. If you want great pleasure from your woman, and if you truly love her; strive to please her and you will gain far more pleasure from her then you ever give to her. It is not emasculating to ask your spouse what makes her feel good. The only thing that is emasculating is when she fakes an orgasm because you couldn’t give one too her!

Your Humble Servant – Todd M. Dobson