Response to Daniel: NY Governor’s Executive Order a Move Towards Nazism Friday, May 30 2008

30^th of May 2008

Response to Daniel: NY Governor’s Executive Order a Move Towards Nazism

Hello Daniel,

I was deeply saddened by your post and then by your entire blog. As I read the words you placed on this page, the hate in your heart is so apparent that it drips from you lips like a rabid dog frothing and eager to decimate its prey. Now I ask you, how much like Jesus is your blog? Would Jesus in today’s time be writing and denouncing so many people and is this what he would call a Christian way to live?

I won’t even address the vile manner in which you attacked a politician, because I can believe it is within your rights to express your dissatisfaction with the way an elected official is performing their job. I believe your words to be crass and unjustified, but then I found many of the things stated in this post and others to be similarly amplified. I am hoping that you will grant me this opportunity to openly discuss the foundation of your hate and what makes it such a powerful and driving force in your life.

Let us start by dispelling the very first facts you might point to as a driving force and that being the Bible. I am a man of God and hold spirituality firm in my heart just as I imagine you do. I’ve read every word in the Bible and for years thought as you do that the Bible spoke ill of me while denouncing who I am and floundering in my life because I had a problem believing God would create me demented, perverse or just simply wrong. If he created me in his image, and my sexuality is not a choice for me just as it wasn’t for you, then how could I be bad by birth? Years of this thinking kept me away from religion because so many of the faithful, yell and scream from the pulpits and the pews of my evil existence just as you stated in your post. However, I started reading the good book again and this time my mind wasn’t referencing what religious leaders have been using as a bullying tactic to increase their coffers and place larger numbers of butts in their seats. I spoke with noted theologians of many different religions and people who have dedicated their lives to the study of Christianity in hopes that I might garner some decipherable explanation to the words within the pages of a book.

In my search for the real truth about religion I found that most learned people who have truly studied the Bible and its writings have all said that the context of its lessons has been purposely taken out of focus and knowingly done so by the very leaders we look to for guidance and support. When this reality hit me my world changed because it was as if the message was starring me in the face the entire time I questioned it. I always asked in my prayers to God, how could you make me imperfect and yet still be in your image? If being gay was a choice, I would have chosen differently, but yet I never had the ability to choose heterosexuality or homosexuality. I knew of my differences long before I knew what it was that made me different. But as I stammered with my newly found enlightenment, I realized that religion today does not truly represent the church that Jesus Christ wanted us to attend. Please tell me of any time in the life of Jesus Christ where he denied or denounced any person he encountered? When did he allow the ill statements of his followers to be delivered to their subjects? When did Jesus say that homosexuality was wrong and when did he deny the love shared by any two persons?

On my account the living example God sent to show us how we should strive to live our lives did nothing but extend the hand of love to all who would accept it. So with that understanding, why do you believe you are more worthy than Jesus Christ in denouncing homosexuality? If God set you forth on this earth as a profit to teach the world please tell me, otherwise I would find us both men and being children of God and thereby both having the same rights, privileges and capabilities. If you are not the lost profit and we are thereby equal, please tell me how you are anointed with such privilege that you can sit in judgments over me?

If the harshness of your post is out of our systems and we can both agree that Christianity and religion can do without the hypocrisy, then let’s deal with real issues. When did you choose to be straight? At what age were you when you made the active choice to be heterosexual or did you experiment with both boys and girls and then decide after investigating both sides determining that you wanted to be a straight man? If you never made that choice just as all other people that I’ve asked this question too, why would you believe that sexuality is a choice for me and not for you. Don’t you think God would make it the same for everyone? Why would he give me a choice and not give you the same choice? If sexuality is chosen, why would anyone want to be gay? I don’t know anyone who would want to choose to be so different from how everyone else in society tells them to be. I know as I was growing up I didn’t want to be so different from everyone else. Life would have been so much easier had I fit in with everyone else including all of those within my family. I wouldn’t have chosen to be isolated by the ones I loved the most and I would have preferred having friends as I grew up thinking that I was just like everyone else. So if we can understand that sexuality is not the choice that you and Christianity wants everyone to believe that it is, that solidifies that I am made by God in his image and thereby perfect just like you!

If we have dispelled two of the primary beliefs against homosexuality, that brings up to the point, why shouldn’t we have the exact same rights as you? Why should we be unable to share the love in our hearts with the person we fall in love with? Why should our local and Federal governments deny us the rights granted to all people by our founding fathers with our Constitution? If we are truly the same in the eyes of God, why can’t we be the same in the eyes of our Government?

I also need to dispel one thing that you point out numerous times and that is that our government is beholden to God. I hate to dispel this point, but the words of Jesus Christ said that we must follow the laws of the church as well as the laws sanctioned by our government. He also preached for a separation between religion and government.

Daniel, I know you are doing what you believe to be right, but can you truly, deeply and honestly tell me that you are doing exactly what you know Jesus himself would do? If that is your belief then I can respect your stance even when I know in my heart it is wrong. Love is how we need to see everyone else in the world…not hate. I would hope that something I’ve said makes you think or asking questions about what you think you know. My rule of thumb has become, can I see Jesus taking my stance, saying my words, writing my words and teaching what I believe…and I can honestly from the depts. of my heart say unequivocally “Yes” I can. Thank you for reading my words as they refute yours own I bid you a life filled with peace and love as Jesus would have wanted it.

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

NY Governor’s Executive Order a Move Toward Nazism

May 29, 2008 · No Comments

New York’s governor, David A. Paterson, is following the path of pre-Hilter Reich led by the Kaiser. He was notorious for bypassing the processes of a Democratic government. In order to accomplish what he wanted often in opposition of the duly elected legislator, he employed the dictatorial tool of the executive order. It is only dictatorial tool available to the executive provided by a democratic form of government. Hitler was democratically elected. Once elected, Hitler took the common use of the executive order for making public law to its final purpose.

The move toward totalitarianism is already blatantly practiced by gays and their supportive politicians. Gov. Patterson has taken the next step toward a totalitarian state. When people with a moral conscience are no longer permitted to freely criticize the behavioral politics of sexual immorality, their Constitutional rights have been usurped. When moral or religious people are fired for the same reasons, the supposed liberal right to employment becomes non-existent. More importantly, so does their right to assembly in term of economics. When employers are forced to hire those whose behavior offend their religious or moral beliefs, business owner have lost their 1st amendment rights. When ex-gays cannot freely speak at churches, college campuses, or in other public without fascist gays disrupting their meeting to an extent that riot police must be involved, American of opposing views have in-effect lost their free speech rights. That is especially so because typically police do not forceful remove radical and violent gays from the premises of those public forums.

For public officials to abolish the moral bases of social law is to violate the very principle of our Republican form of constitutional government rooted in natural law and religion. Consent of the many does not make constitutional law when it violates the other part of Declaration of Independence that speaks of appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions and ith a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence.

Besides, gay politics claim civil rights to justify their politics. Yet, civil rights law founded on the 14th and 15 amendments are directly linked to the Declaration of Independence. The equality spoken of in the Declaration is part of natural law as given by the Creator, Providence, and Supreme Judge– in other words, God. God did not create homosexuals. It is obvious to both Reason and Revelation that God make male and female for sexual relations, which is the a major reason for marriage. Natural law states that any practice contrary to nature is evil. That what gay politics is all about.

Leading the totalitarian charge is gay organizations like Amnesty International, Gay Straight Alliance Network International, GLAAD, GLSEN, Human Rights Campaign, International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission, Lambda Legal, Marriage Equality, Stonewall Democrats. They are supported mostly by those of the liberal, humanist, and socialist persuasion including organizations like Democratic party, United Nations, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, many corporations, American Civil Liberties Union, and the like. Senators Obama and Clinton officially support the gay agenda.

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Turmoil In The Democratic Party Wednesday, May 21 2008

20^th May 2008

Turmoil in the Democratic Party

I’ve been hearing and reading about problems inside the Democratic Party for several months, but these tribulations are not what concerns me the greatest; rather it is what I’m hearing from the voting public that heightens my anxieties.

Yes, we are desperate for a single candidate to appear victoriously rising to the challenges of organizing this election. Both candidates have strong qualities and they’ve both made enormous mistakes while on the campaign trail.

While I have comments to both Senators Clinton and Obama, the voting public needs to hear a couple of statements: Our current President Bush has put this nation in such a disastrous mess that I’m concerned anyone accepting the job may require one term to just to undo the harm caused by a greedy zealot. His administration has lied to the public numerous times to garner what they desired politically. We are loosing our sons, daughters, husbands and wives daily in two countries that not one person can authoritatively discern if we absolutely needed to be in either. I don’t even question if our presence has done well for the residences of Afghanistan and Iraq, because I know their liberation has been welcomed by the individual citizens. However, the good our soldiers have done, does nothing to alleviate the veracity of the Presidential administration that has engulfed this country in a war that has no ability of ever winning a victory – only loosing the lives of our valiant soldiers. This war has devastated what was a thriving US economy and perpetuated the destabilization of our economy via a confrontation over fossil fuels that will have the price of gasoline rising for the next few years exponentially. The actions of this President have decimated our Gross National Product while increasing our dependencies on imported commodities. We were once the greatest producing country in the world and now we are the neediest country in the world with President Bush attributing enormously to those changes.

Our current President catered recklessly to Corporate America giving to his petulant children all the riches within the US Treasury. This was payment in full for two terms of one Presidency that will go down as one of this great nation’s worst ever when the history books have reviewed his record. President Bush personally drained the once vibrant reputation of this great nation around the world and has ubiquitously tarnished our name to the point that it lies in the gutter with the remaining waste.

To those voters who are now saying that if Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination, they will not vote or they will vote for Senator McCain and to those voters who are now saying that if Senator Barrack Obama wins the Democratic nomination, they will not vote or will vote for Senator McCain; I question your resolve. If you feel as I do that the Presidential Administration currently in office has destroyed this country and thereby must be removed from influencing political efforts in the future; then how the hell can you vote for Mr. McCain. He is a Bush III and will continue every one of the current policies for an additional four years.

This country has been damaged and its citizens have been harmed far too much and a President that will usher in healing as well as changing our downward spiral into a positive change economically and spiritually. Threatening to pull a vote and even worst to vote for a candidate who will not only continue our downward spiral, but add to its velocity and longevity is incredulous. Not voting because your candidate is not amongst those viable for this election will only give weighted means to an already horrendous tenure of policy and practices we good citizens have endured, not to mention spits in the face of all those citizens around the world who fight for the freedom to choose their leaders.

No, our election systems are not perfect and I for one wish to push through with our new President a bill that would change the means of electing the President of the United States and place that right back into the hands of the American citizens as with the popular vote. Currently the popular vote is null and void giving way for the Delegate and Super Delegate votes as the means of choosing our President. This process has failed us greatly in the past two Presidential elections when the popular vote chose one candidate and the delegate/super delegate vote inducted into office a devastating example of a bad President. However, our right to vote for the ruler of the largest country in the world is a privilege that less than fifty percent of humanity can exercise, which I for one will not take for granted.

I understand that you might not agree with everything in any one candidate; however we must remain optimistic that as long as we move away from the politics as usual in Washington DC currently, then there can be hope for our future. If you feel that Clinton would be the better candidate and she is not the Democratic nominee, ask yourself if Obama can do the job better than President Bush? Likewise, if you feel that Obama would be a better aspirant, however he does not receive the Democratic nomination, would Clinton do a better job than President Bush? If your answer to either question is “Yes”, I don’t understand the statement that some would not vote or would cast their vote for McCain in an act of vengeance.

We are not voting for someone who will go away in a week or two if he/she is not liked. We are electing the President of the United States and their administration will direct the policy of this great nation. This election demands action from its citizens and moving this country to a better place then where we’ve been the previous eight years. I personally would vote for my dog, Jake, before I would vote for another Bush in the White House. McCain is exactly that…another Bush that will continue the eradication of the American economic landscape.

In closing a strong message needs to be sent to Senators Obama and Clinton. This vendetta as a campaign needs to come to a close. In the process of closing it down, both candidates needs to stop attacking each other and pull together (if you like the other or not) to build a cohesive party that has the stability and momentum to fight Senator McCain and to win the Presidency. Without making a determination on who I personally wish to win the Democratic nomination, at this time the candidate who is loosing momentum and delegates/super delegates should be the one who works on an exit strategy with a definitive and short time table. That means with the numbers as they are currently reported by the media, Senator Clinton needs to exit gracefully instead of pushing for new ground.

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

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Response to ThatsElbert: California Courts Impose Their Immorality Sunday, May 18 2008

18^th of May 2008

Response to Thats Elbert:
California Courts Impose Their Immorality

Mr. Elbert, I find the premise of this post lacking support, but most importantly it is devoid of honor. You see Mr. Elbert morality has become so ambiguous and arbitrary to all who exist in society that what you see as immoral, I believe to be living my life.

The first misguided premise in your post and with most fundamentalist Christians is that you can’t believe that sexuality is not a choice. Just as you did not wake up one day in your formative teen years and decide you were going to be straight, neither did I choose to be gay. On the contrary, if there was any way I could be straight I would, but it is not a choice. The only decision a homosexual has to make is do they have the courage to come to terms with their sexuality or do you hide from who they really are.

If Christians like yourself actually agreed that sexuality of a human being is not chosen, but a part of who you are by birth just as your skin color, hair color, eye color; then you would be forced to accept that gay people are created by God, perfect in his image just as they are. Setting this aside for a moment, the main point of your message is how the California Judiciary placed a judgment against that which you believe yourself.

I see the justices doing their jobs as it is written for them to carry out. The state Supreme Court is set aside and above the Legislative process as a segregated function to protect its objectivity. The job of the judges is to hear those cases that cannot be determined by the lower court systems and also enforce the State Constitution. That demands from the Justices to determine when laws are passed that are unconstitutional. When either the citizens of California or the Legislature pass laws that subjugate any group of the population, it is incumbent on the states high court to make a ruling on the constitutionality of those laws. The California State Supreme Court rendered such a verdict that restores justice to a state that passed laws restricting the rights of a group of her citizens and thereby did what Lady Liberty ensured they should do.

You may not like what the court system did, but I suspect that you should see the righteousness in their actions. If you can not, I venture to say you are unworthy to call yourself a true Christian of Jesus Christ. Our savor never once isolated anyone, denounced them or denied them. He was accepting and loved all who came to him and true Christianity should be living by his example and let me be the first to tell you none of the people you quoted live a truly Christian life.

As for your quotes:

The latest polls from California show that more than sixty percent of all California citizens do not agree with this amendment. It is common when an injustice is forced on any populace that eventually the rest of the people in society learn from their mistakes. The climate is changing for the good of humanity and that will always go against those who perpetuate oppression. Always be on the side of right…even when that side is being oppressed. Eventually right will always win the day and history has shown us that many times over.

James Dobson – I am sorry to say this miss-led fundamentalist is a relative of mine and I cannot apologize to the world enough for the sadness he has caused and the hate within his heart. I have already argued against Mr. Dobson’s statements and nothing more needs to be said.

Family Research Council – Tony Perkins: It is ashamed that hate prevails in the hearts of so many who call themselves Christians. The church Jesus founded was entirely based on the principle of Love, Honor and Respect. Until we can find a way to give those to the people we do not agree with, we will never really give tribute to his church.

You can argue the Bible to me and I can respond verse by verse; so save yourself the time and effort. You can refuse to post my comment, but I am posting it on all four of my blog sites: www.tmdobson.wordpress.com. You may disagree with me and I am sure that you do, but that doesn’t make, what I say wrong. I will leave you with the words of Jesus Christ himself as he said those who call themselves believers will be the last enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Hate is not a Christian value and absolutely not one Jesus Christ taught. Please think about your response and I hope that I have given you something to consider as apposed anger you. We may all teach love to those willing to open their hearts to the lessons of life.

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

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Original Post:

California Courts Impose Their Immorality

There is probably nothing to be added to the news about California’s Supreme Court overturning the will of the California people. What liberals can’t win in the ballot box they impose via the courts.

Californians passed Proposition 22 in March 2000, defining marriage as one man and one woman. This measure won with 61.4% of the vote. In real numbers, the spread between the yeas and nays was 1.7 million votes. That’s around two times the population of Delaware! The California Supreme Court said no to their decision.

Here are some widely varied stuff from around the internet.

James Dobson said in response to the decision:

“The will of the people has now arrogantly been declared null and void,” he said. “In so doing, the justices have undermined and endangered the basic building block of society, which has been honored and preserved in every nation on earth through most of human history.”

Family Research Council President Tony Perkins:

“The California Supreme Court assumed the powers of a legislative body by imposing same-sex ‘marriage.’

“This decision put marriage at risk all across the nation and again highlights the need for a Marriage Protection Amendment to the U.S. Constitution so that this divisive campaign for the oxymoron of ’same-sex marriage’ will be ended once and for all.”

From the decision:

…in contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation, and, more generally, that an individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights.

and a reply from Outraged Richard:

Except for the fact that there are innumerable studies and psychological, philosophical, and religious writings to show that children not raised in a loving home of a married man and woman is detrimental to them.

More from the Outraged one:

The error of equating race and gender discrimination with sexual orientation discrimination is an exceptionally glaring one. Race and gender are genetically and biologically based standards that establish a human being, while sexual orientation, or more precisely, non-heterosexual sexual activity, is an extremely vague characteristic that has no immutable genetic or biological foundation.

An American Indian or a female can never stop being of that race or gender, and because those are integral unchanging human qualities there should be no discrimination against them because of it. In contrast, sexual activity, especially non-heterosexual activity, is an action that is performed, like hanging tinsel, and is subject to the same scrutiny that other acts are under—some of which have been declared unlawful.

Some pages of note: Hot Air | Prop 22 on Wikipedia | Citizen Link | Protect Marriage (CA)

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California’s Gay Marriage Saturday, May 17 2008

15^th of May 2008

California’s Gay Marriage

I was encouraged today while reading the news and listening to CNN as they announced that the California State Supreme Court found the ban renouncing gay men and lesbian women from marrying was unconstitutional. This is but one step that hopefully will have a domino affect with all states and our Federal Government granting equality to a group of citizens that has been denied justice for too long – HOMOSEXUALES.

California as with the state of Massachusetts can no longer deny the equality of its own citizens and is making the proper steps to open the doors of liberty where they were once closed. This action should never be necessary; however, as this case ignites in the media, I am reminded at just how much hate remains in the hearts of so many people across our once great nation. People like Mr. Tony Perkins who argued unsuccessfully how the marriage between a man and woman will degrade when California allows homosexuals to marry. He never can answer the questions by Anderson Cooper or Dan Savage at how allowing two men to marry will cause such an institution to collapse. Mr. Perkins does say that in all of the countries that granted separate, but unequal rights such as domestic partnerships (England being one), marriage has seen a decrease in the number of participants while domestic partnership has seen an increase by heterosexual couples. I must thank you Mr. Perkins for adding to the arguments against separate, but unequal rights that some feel will placate the homosexual populace across North America.

California sits at the precipice of truly remarkable times for gay and lesbian citizens who deserve the honor and respect of equality that has been fought for and denied. Let me go out on a limb and say that California will be the first state to have their DOMA or Constitutional change challenged and reversed as unconstitutional for the simple fact that when truly honest judges are faced with deciphering when laws are being used to oppress the rights that every person deserves equally, lady liberty will balance her scales for justice.

People like President George W Bush and Mr. Perkins who want to criticize Judges for setting politics and sometimes even their own personal feelings aside to analyze the legalization of prohibitive laws such as DOMA Bills and “One Man, One Woman” Constitutional Amendments. I have faith in our Judicial System that most Judges truly want to do what is right, not what is politically prudent to grant those favors or positions down the road. While I don’t like the ultra conservatism that has a strangle hold on our United States Supreme Court, I have more faith in the individual Judges who will allow justice to prevail.

Everybody, Gay and Straight needs to see this for exactly what it is and speak out against the injustice perpetuated in the great name of religion. This is not about our beliefs in religion or the Bible, it is simply about how we want to treat other people who deserve to be respected and receive the same rights and privileges as everyone else in this country. Think about how you would feel if someone was preventing you from sharing the love in your heart with the person you can’t live without? Would it be fair for anyone to tell you how that love is wrong and can never be recognized, much less accepted or respected?

Lift your voice letting it be heard against the injustice and in support of California as it tells all of its citizens that they matter once again truly be free from oppression.

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

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The Pain of Loss or the Anguish of Family? Saturday, May 17 2008

12^th May 2008

Is it the pain of a loss or the anguish of family?

Everybody grieves differently and the impact of loss is felt by some deeply, while others internalize it and yet some may let it expunge from their system with the tears spilling out from their eyes. None of these methods of grieving are wrong and is as personalized as the person enduring the loss.

I’ve written of the closeness I shared with my Grandmother and yet I have yet to understand why the relationship with my immediate family so diametrically apposes the wonderful experience between Grandma and me. I feared that I would not be told by the very souls that should be the closest to me as to her passing. I was immensely appreciative when I woke early Thursday morning to find two phone calls from my younger sister and older sister accompanying a message explaining the death of Grandma. My first thoughts were of the graciousness that it took from both siblings to inform me and then I thanked my guides and God for the inner tranquility she must have felt as she passed in her sleep; peacefully devoid of pain.

With the absence of communications with my family; it made the arrangements of getting to Walla Walla difficult and costly, but there was never a question of where I needed to be. I didn’t slow down long enough to think about anything other than how to manage the journey and making the necessary steps to be there for my mother and the remainder of the people who loved grandma so dearly. I never once stopped or slowed long enough to think about the latest acts ostracizing me by my family or the impact as I moved towards Washington.

I made flight plans, rental car and hotel accommodations, packing and moving at such a feverish pace that I never thought about what I needed or how I would feel being in the middle of a family who loathes and hates me based on what I do. I understand why my actions exasperates the family members so profusely, but I have yet to figure out why if my writing is so loathed by them, why do they tune in to every blog. A prime example of my egregious behavior is what I’m doing right now…pouring my heart and feelings into a blog for the world to read.

The family does not care that without any meaningful expulsion of our true feelings that the subjects remain bottled up only to eventually explode or implode causing far more damage to all who truly matter. I found that by blogging I am able to release the harmful feelings and by doing so via a positive conduit that serves humanity extremely well. I have been able to traverse such personal ground enabling the subjugation of such negative thoughts and problems exchanging them for positive ones. In releasing the bad feelings that have been stored deep within my persona, forging a way of transiting these harmful memories creates a void that I have been able to fill with peace and solace. I have a better outlook on life and with each of my family members for which I have longed to find a way to be at peace with each person.

However, it doesn’t matter that my writing has everything to do with me and nothing to do with them. It has never occurred to anyone in my family that my path this past seven years has been a spiritual awakening of my soul and yes I write about my past because I desperately hopes that someone out there in our vast world might actually get some help or find tranquility in their own lives by knowing that they are not alone. I discuss the experiences that have defined me as a person for far too long and in my writing I am taking control once and for all over the ghost haunting me from my past.

No one else in my family had to suffer with the loneliness of coming to terms with being gay, so they don’t know the pain of feeling like you are the only one like yourself. They’ve never had to question the very breath they take trying to balance the taunts and treats of society who tells anyone daring to be anything but heterosexuals that they are wrong. Not one person in my family can understand the spreading of fear by most religious groups and their message of hate burn in hell while it sears into the mind for of all reasons that they never had the ability to choose. Why should anyone at such a young age have to try to challenge these notions when it is hard for them to even verbalize their own thoughts to themselves much less anyone else? Not one person in my family cares to understand the implications of starting their lives with so much weight bestowing them only sorrow nor can they summon the courage it would take to argue those points with the very family who should love their sibling unconditionally. Because they don’t know the isolationism and because most heterosexual people cannot comprehend the arduous journey that each homosexual must endure and how being isolated from the ones you love the most harms a person to their soul. My family is unable to recognize that my writing is a beacon to all others in this vast world of ours that might find themselves in similar situations in hopes of illuminating the fact that they are not alone in their quest for acceptance and unconditional love. Because the effects of being in a crowded room does not necessitate a warm or loving sense amongst the other cohabitants. Yet being so coldly treated might as well be isolating me to Siberia, but I never once thought about these consequences as I considered where to be at the loss of my Grandmother.

So I find myself writing as I am in a hotel room wishing I had brought my winter coat, because the chill is constant and it has very little to do with the passing of such a loving woman. The odd thing is that I don’t believe I need to be here to speak with Grandma and to tell her how happy I am that she is finally at peace and in a loving place. I can and have been saying my goodbyes to her and did not need to be here in order to be at peace with her crossing. So, in Siberia I sit pondering why I remain and for whom?

The question first annoyed me because I never asked before leaving if I should really be in Washington or would it garner more peace for all others that I remain in Georgia. I just dutifully took the steps I knew where necessary to support my mother and family. However, it behooves the question as I contemplate leaving. When do I start taking care of me and if the family doesn’t want me present, why do I keep placing myself in such situations remaining within their scrutiny, judgments and their loath for my life. I desperately need to extricate myself from these situations by saying farewell until such time that they decide they want and need me present unconditionally.

I was struck by the bluntness and acute assessment of my situation. I flew in to Seattle changing all of the plans once I got to my aunts. I finally received the real plans from my mother and it I had to change my flight back to Georgia, hotel and rental car. I could have saved several hundred dollars had I received the proper information initially, but all of the vendors I used for services worked with me under the circumstances to accommodate my needs. I recognized a familiar pattern that has evolved in this family with every crisis that has occurred previously. No one of importance has ever called me directly respecting me enough to give the news and plans, much less ask my thoughts.

In every family emergency I must hear the news through others secondhand and only when they either remember to tell me or realize that I have not been included in the events. In this set of events, everyone knew that I would be the only other family member daring to make the trip. As with all past scenarios, I am always left for someone else to reach because I am of no importances. My older sister’s birth of my niece, my mother’s accident that almost took her life, my younger sister pregnancy and later birth, all of the surgeries and major ailments of the family and the important aspects that you would think to be communicated to immediate family first and then outbound; however, I have always remained among the last to find them out. The initial announcement of grandma’s passing followed up with the distribution of the proper details necessary for making plans was not told to me as there are so many other people and tasks that are of greater importance rather than me. Even knowing that I would be the only one to attend; but as usual, the black sheep of the Dobson family was always the last to know. Here is where Grandma would say actions speak louder than words, so show me you love me! So am I to garner that my family loves me? Well, I need to start listening to the actions of a family that repeatedly tells me through their actions how I am not wanted.

So out of the four children it was known that I would be the only sibling making this trip. Yet as with all previous urgent family business, I was the last to know any details. As I laid in a bed in Seattle with that recognition falling upon me like a blanket filled with bricks, I wept because old patterns never change when the reflections of the family past is incapable of change. The dynamics of my family will never elevate me to a status greater than bad seed, annoyance and that of shameful black sheep.

I let myself get caught in the midst of this sentimental review when my Aunt, with whom I was staying in Seattle, begins to fuss about my blogs and the harm they do to the cohesion of this family. I know she’s just being the mouth piece for my mother, but she angers me since she has not read any of my blogs and the family only reads the sections they find themselves a party too. They never read the duality that I pride myself in trying to place both sides of a story or a structured reason of such atrocious actions. I don’t try to excuse any of us for our injustices, but rather I try to explain what it is that makes us the people we are…and I attempt this through love, understanding and objectivity. I have always tried to end each blog with how I or we must Love, Honor and Respect everyone, especially those who might harm us while calling it love. In their eyes I am exploiting them for my own gain and it is amplified with the words of my mother, “I am sure you gain lots of sympathy by telling everyone how horrible your life is, but they don’t know what you write is fiction”. My Aunt was relentless with her denouncing my writing without ever reading the words and yet I asked if anyone in the family has told her how many blogs were about my family and how many were on topics of politics, life, love and homosexuality. She stammered as I opened my blog and showed out of the last twelve posts, not one had anything to do with my family. She faltered slightly at this fact because as with most stories in my family, they stretch like a rubber band and evade the actual truth as it is always bent to allow that specific family member to acknowledge themselves superior to all others. My aunt revisited the subject two days later telling me that if I wouldn’t use their names how they would not think so ill of me and while I promised to only refer to my family by titles from this point forward, I explained that it would have little to no positive affects in the families loathing for my writing. They will always complain as long as I use my life as fodder and example.

My five hour drive from Seattle to Pendleton was one where every mile closer to my destination became another pin prick reminding me of the discomfort closing in around me. My mother wanted me to stay with her while she was staying with a friend and I very graciously denied. She then explained that she was staying at the hotel with her sister and I needed to stay with her enabling her to afford the room by splitting the cost. This only made me feel that much more uncomfortable because my last encounter with this aunt left with my first overt explanation by a fundamental Christian how being gay was a choice (and it is not) and how her Christian beliefs said that I would burn in hell. No matter what I said to argue her points she would not relent and while I can respect her feelings, I don’t have to subject myself to continued ridicule and abuse.

The reunion with my aunt was cold and harsh based on my unwilling ability to open myself up to ridicule again even with the attempts by my aunt to the contrary. I will gladly say that the next morning my Aunt acknowledged and apologized for hurting me those many years previously and tried all week to open lines of communication. I want to lift my armor, but I’ve done so too many times with this family only to be stripped of it and delivered to the rack where pain and suffering for all past, present and future accords will be garnered. It occurred to me while on the treadmill this morning; why was I here and for whom did I make this trip? If I answer as I did in my head at that moment, I feel my absence might grant more peace than could be ushered in with my presence. The little support I was able to lend my mother might be better felt if I was not present.

It was so much easier to be at peace with the isolation from the family when I was not faced with so many additional members. I don’t know what I am doing here excepting or causing more hurt for those grieving the loss in their lives and that should not be. I don’t know how to be my normal funny and happy person when some have been told how my siblings and mother feels about me and others do not. I hate the negativity that seeps out of me when I am asked simplistic questions about the family. Something as simple as “how is my older sister, younger sister, nieces or mother” when the answer is I don’t know because they have excommunicated me. I do know that moments like this should be good so that as my aunt did, you can open a doorway to forgiveness in those situations where it might help. I am sorry to those family members who wanted their cousin present and I purposely stayed away from them because I didn’t want to be close with my mother or harm an already tense situation. As for my family; I can respect their opinions about my blogs. They don’t like that I write with their lives between these pages, but as I’ve always said, there are two sides to every story and everyone is entitled to be judged by the truth and not speculation. My aunt in Seattle wants me to stop blogging all together and I won’t do that and am publishing a book this year, so my writing is not just a frivolous past time, it is something that will support me soon enough. It won’t be going away; it will only be increasing as I sharpen my talents and experience more of life.

In closing I will also send a strong message to my older sister and her daughter. I’ve known for some time that my niece is getting married this year. But my mother solidified that knowledge to the others gathered here. My mother did nothing wrong as the proud grandmother she is all too happy to speak positively of her grand daughters impending nuptials. I also know that my sister and her daughter have argued over inviting me to the wedding (no this information did not come from mom). My sister feels I must be invited out of obligation and my niece hates me and doesn’t want me present. Let me say how this day is for my niece and obligations should have no impact in the celebration of love; so don’t waste an invitation on me when it is not warranted. If I received one knowing how my niece feels, I would do the honorable thing and not show up. This should be a day to celebrate the love between two people and if either of those two people does not want a specific person present, they should never be forced to endure that hardship. It would only over shadow the love and joy the day needs to bestow.

With that being said, I have rattled the thoughts out of head and should shower after my run making myself presentable if only for myself. Do remember that the people in your life should be the ones you love. Learn from my mistakes and if you find yourself in the middle of any family situation that is too tense to bear, remove yourself for the peace in your heart as well as the harmony in the hearts of all others. It doesn’t matter why or for what reasons, learn that Love, Honor & Respect must be granted to yourself before you can truly give it to anyone else. We must also learn to forgive ourselves even when you don’t feel you did anything wrong, so that you can heal. Life is too short to spend it feeling pain and anguish over people and things you cannot or should not control. Stay tuned and I will let you know if I remained or if I leave before the ceremonies ever begin in an effort to maintain healing and peace for all.

Your humble servant – Todd M Dobson

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The Loss of a Friend & Grandmother Saturday, May 10 2008

08 May 2008

I Lost A Great Friend Last Night

On the 07^th of May 2008 around 7:00 PM (PST) the world lost another good soul when my friend and grandmother Margaret Scott past in her sleep. While everyone can say the cliché and trite, but kind words of condolences, a gifted woman who enjoyed seeing the positive in every situation was summoned to a better and more loving place.

Please excuse me as I wallow in my own pain because I find it hard to focus on my screen at the present time, but while many among us found the woman to be different than I do, I always saw her for the love she gave, the smile and quick joke (every dirty joke in the book, plus a couple the book wouldn’t carry), a laugh (what a laugh she had too) and the ability to light up any room as she waddled into it.

I am the first to understand that every person interacts with every other person differently and many among the living had a tense relationship with Margaret. She was among the living souls for 86 years and left us just shy of her 87^th birthday this July 4^th; however, she never showed me anything but true unconditional love and how to see the brighter side of life.

Margaret Lalka was born in Washington State on the 4^th of July 1922. She was the eldest of ten children and upon the death of her mother during the birth of the youngest daughter, Margaret was called to more than help out. She took the matriarchal position in the Lalka household caring for her siblings as if they were her own. Margaret met Herman Scott around 1930 and married him shortly there after. They proceeded to build a family with seven children including my mother. There are other blogs that detail the dysfunctions of the Scott family and the many mistakes made as the relatives grew and matured, but as with every ancestors there was a nucleus of love at its core. There were significant losses that would mold the members of the Scott family as each member struggled to claim their own way in this sometimes cruel, but always changing world.

Hopefully our lives are nothing like what we imagine as children. I say that because even the oldest souls are enshrouded by the body and mind of a child and therefore cannot fathom the massive changes that will occur as they traverse this world. The mind of a child can therefore never garner the immense changes life will take and I personally am grateful to that end. If life were as we imagined during our childhood, I tend to believe the dullness would limit our capabilities. With that being said, one person can neither understand or have guessed at the number of mistakes and challenges each person would have to endure during their residence on earth. I don’t believe it is our place to know in advance the many challenges we will face in order to learn the lessons we are required to learn in this journey called life. How we face those unforeseen challenges determines our fate and judges have we truly deciphered the lessons we faced in our most recent past.

Margaret was no different in her journey as she faced some tremendous challenges that would shake any person to their core. Am I here to say she handled each with ease and did so well; no, I can’t even think any one person could ever do so with ease. Did she make mistakes and did she have reason for others to look upon her with less conviction than I; absolutely. But, this woman lived with her mistakes and regardless of the plethora of them she made, she kept no tally and she faced life with love, conviction of spirit and a smile greeting each and every person daring to enter. Some people absolutely had reasons to regard this woman with less enthusiasm than I do, but for each of us a life will show what we need to see in it. I desperately needed to see the love and the smile with a joke and a laugh. That is how I will remember my Grandmother.

Always learn from the positive lessons of my grandmother; Margaret Scott, and live life with love in your heart, a smile on your face, a joke in your spirit and forgiving those who harmed you and yours. This is the loving memory of a lady I will always hold dear to me and know she is watching over me, guiding and supporting me as I face my challenges yet to come. I know you are in a place of peace and love and I rest easy knowing you were met by Herman and other people who loved you as you faced this life. May I never forget your lessons to me and I hope I can do your memory justice as I try to teach those lessons to the rest of the world at large.

In Loving Memory of Margaret Scott

July 4^th, 1922 – May 7^th, 2008

Your humble servant – your Tadius

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Dreams, Nightmares or Hopes Monday, May 5 2008

04^th of May 2008

Dreams, Nightmares or Hopes

I normally don’t dream or more to the point, I don’t ever remember my dreams. So, when I wake up multiple mornings in a row with the same series of events taking place in my head, I had to wonder were these dreams, were they fantasy or were they simply hope?

Given the arduous state of affairs that I find myself in yet again, my life seems to be stabilizing and yet there are still amazing highs and disastrous lows. I haven’t thought about finding someone to love in seven years and for multiple reasons, but as my life appeared to be stabilizing professionally and financially, I have been entertaining and wishing for the day when I can start to date again.

Oh I’ve longed for a warm pair of arms reaching around to hold me. I know there is another person for me to love and when I am a whole person again, when I can love that person fully and unconditionally; I know we will find one another. I’ve never wanted to be taken care of and neither do I want to be the person who takes care of someone. Love will do that from time to time and I will gladly carry my spouse for any time we deem it necessary or desire, but I have always wanted a balance in my mate. To look for someone who can put up with all of my many quirky idiosyncrasies, as I will gladly do the same for them. I want an equal, someone who will challenge me while they allow me to continue to grow, but someone with whom I can do the same.

That is why this dream alarmed me so because I allowed myself to think of the possibility that someone would offer more to me. It was so visual and life-like that I could easily swear it actually happened and yet I know none of it transpired. But, a MySpace friend that I’ve been writing back and forth to for the better part of a year resurfaced after a several month sabbatical. I thought this person moved over-seas for work and was looking forward to the day that we would reconnected again. When we first met, I immediately noticed amazing good looks, but I found an extremely well educated professor.

When we first met online I could tell there was something being held back, but I received this sensation that this person could have profound affects on my life. This sense has never been wrong before, so I wanted to get to know this person better. We exchanged messages and some of them were pointed, but I heard precise feed back on my blogs and my perspective that most people are unable or don’t feel they can give. I enjoyed our exchange of words and liked getting to know this person better. We discussed once the possibility of meeting, but due to the distance between us, never made any real efforts to comply. So I was energized when I heard from them again recently.

Our interactions this time were amazing, wonderful and spirited with me immensely enjoying, but I was equally blown away when after hearing many accolades about my writing, I heard an offer that almost brought me to tears.

In my dream I was offered an opportunity to focus on my writing and not worry about money or a job. My dreams teased me greatly as I heard that I could focus on cultivate my newly found gift by publishing my books and blogs for the world around us. While I had never wanted to lounge around, I found myself pleased and at peace with such an amazing proposal from a beautiful and highly intelligent person. I had never once wanted such a gift and yet, I found that I was greatly encouraged by such a profoundly tremendous gesture, if only in thought.

Needless to say I was enthralled by such a recommendation and wanted to meet the person who would make such a gesture site unseen. We made arrangements to meet over the weekend and we were both overtly excited as the week drew to a close. I was giddy in fact at this opportunity and even though I had not heard from my benefactor by the Thursday before giving me direction, an address or even a phone number; however, I foolish packed up and drove to another state in the hopes of meeting such a person. I am waiting in a coffee shop just off campus not sure if I would hear from my gift or not, but still hopeful and wishing for faith to be at my side.

I finally receive a phone call and instantaneously I feel the weight of this conversation as I’m told due to other obligations, we can’t meet as planned. My first thoughts were, oh my gosh I’m such an idiot, but as I curiously listen I remained hopeful that sincerity was a core to this person that I just drove hours to meet. I obtained a hotel room in a place I’ve not been too in forever and again reach deep inside my soul for the faith in the goodness within this person who was offering to profoundly affect my life. I stay in town and remain cautiously excited about what tomorrow would bring me.

I woke the next morning excited for my evenings in front of me and wearly spent the next ten hours waiting to hear from my desirable benefactor. As the day progresses, my thoughts drain from excitement down to concern and then further to gloom. The hours I spent in the car driving home only deepened my anguish to despair as I cruised closer to the place of duality for me, home and a prison all in one.

In my dreams I always wake not knowing what to think and not knowing if I should be happy for remembering my dream…was it a nightmare instead….or were these simply the hopes of delusions. I just can’t see what it is that I would hope for that might cause such anguish inside of me!

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson

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